An Escort's Experience Being A Client
originally published november 11, 2020
Around this time last year, I started thinking about hiring someone for myself. I was experiencing trouble finding personal pleasure due to emotional roadblocks I was facing, and wasn’t ready to try my hand at the kind of vulnerability that dating asks of us. Without vulnerability, dating can often feel empty and unfulfilling - my already shaken heart couldn’t wrap itself around the idea that I should just seek casual encounters without substance. The hollowness didn’t feel appealing. I was already feeling far away from myself and my body, and outside of work confines, was having a hard time tapping into my own desires. Work was the perfect container to continue exploring intimacy without the strings and fears of dating, and so it felt different, safer. However, it didn’t satisfy the need I had for touch from women specifically - something that i cherish and prioritize in my life.
I fumbled with the idea for months - did I have the money to spare, was I going to be able to let go and actually enjoy the experience - how would I even find the right person for me? I scoured ads and Twitter pages, each time chickening out. Right as I was starting to research how the hell to make that happen, pandemic hit. This threw my desires into overdrive. I enjoy professional massage semi-regularly in normal times, and realizing that I no longer had access to that or sapphic sexual gratification was a massive blow - two of my favorite forms of touch were suddenly not available to me! During the first two months were the hardest, for not only was I not dating, I was also not working, as was the case for many of my colleagues. Options were limited. The situation was growing dire.
Fortunately, as the pandemic progressed, so did my ability to tap into myself and find some sensual healing magic from within, as well as starting to date again, slowly but surely working out the kinks in how to relate to other people while struggling through an intensely scary year. Many things changed, mostly myself. As I grew my consciousness around my needs, I realized that most of my fantasies and porn consumption revolved around sensual massage. Something about smooth, slow touch, oily, slippery textures, soft gentle awakenings bringing waves of rolling orgasms… the whole endeavor seemed incredibly hot. This solidified for me that I really, really wanted to bring this fantasy to life, even though I wasn’t as desperate for touch as I had been just a few months prior.
Somehow, by some miracle of miracles, a cherished client of mine reached out seeking FBSM, which is something I don’t currently offer, but am very interested in. I connected him to a dear friend who I knew did an excellent job, and we ended up planning a unique duo-massage date. I don’t usually get off to the idea of myself in the masseuse role, but the appointment went so well, and was so sexy, that I began to see both roles as equally satisfying. I’m a giver, after all. After this experience, I knew for certain I needed to pull the trigger for myself.
The thing is- it’s scary! I get it now! I never doubted clients when they would say it was intimidating or nerve wracking to make that first appointment, but now I truly understand that feeling in my body. How do I know I’m going to get what I want out of the appointment? How do I know they’ll be the right fit? What if I have a bad time? What if it’s disappointing?
I’m lucky - I have so many extraordinary colleagues in the industry, and I was able to assuage my nerves by seeking out people in my friend circle, people I knew would at the very least be fun to hang out and talk with, if nothing else. I was more than willing to pay for the experience. In fact, that was the draw! I get to ask for exactly what I want, and show another person how much I value them. The exchange didn’t seem transactional, but rather simply the logical thing to do. When dating, I make efforts to wine and dine potential partners, so this seemed like a pretty similar situation. When I finally got up the nerve to shoot off an email, my darling colleague Ivy Rose suggested a barter of services, which really struck me as an act of care and generosity, and thrilling to get to experience an “alternative economy,” which I am a big fan of. We settled on a fair trade and booked the date. NOTE: This barter option is only offered to other providers - we take care of each other in so many ways, and this is one of the ways we hold space for one another. Please do not reach out to any providers asking for a “trade” of any kind. You will be swiftly blocked.
Dear reader, when I say I had a life changing experience, believe me. It wasn’t just the beautiful sensation of having a very cute naked woman touching me with delicate care. It was how hot it felt to be the center of attention, to have my pleasure be the total priority, the release of obligation to reciprocate, and truthfully, I found the fact that I had hired her to be extremely sexy. Something about exchanging something of value that wasn’t sexual from my side was a huge turn on. I’ve long known that throwing money on strippers brings me great pleasure, and it felt like a more intense exploration of those feelings. I like showing appreciation to women monetarily; the world we live in is extremely capitalistic, and while i find money often problematic, I understand this is where we live, and money is often the best way to show someone you value their time and their personhood. Given that context, being able to be generous is a huge turn on!
I wasn’t expecting to have such a well-rounded experience -- I won’t go into the details here, but she touched me very nicely in some fun places, and that combined with the friendly and sexy atmosphere, exchange of pleasure, sexual and otherwise, and convenience made me a happy girl. I look forward to exploring this more, as being able to fulfill this fantasy has only increased my appetite to explore it.
I also experienced a strong desire to provide this service going forward. It’s difficult without access to a massage table, but I do find massage to be very sensual, and a great way to flirt and get to know someone’s body. I hope to get to practice more in future appointments.
One of the big takeaways I got was a deeper sense of empathy for clients who get nervous booking, especially first-timers, who I think sometimes get overly-anxious about proceeding and then inevitably make a mistake. I’ve been guilty of occasionally going off on a poor guy who probably truly didn’t know better, and didn’t mean harm -- but you must also understand that for every innocent guy who genuinely didn’t mean to waste time or be rude, there are 200 guys who are doing it maliciously, and sometimes we lose patience. I’d like to offer some key pieces of advice for those who are nervous about booking for the first time, or folks who are figuring out what they actually seek out of the experience:
Are you seeking a companion, a masseuse, or a domme? Truly meditate on this -- is it a desire for full sexual contact, or focus on bodily sensory experiences, or power dynamics? These things are not mutually exclusive, but sometimes we think we want one thing when we really need another. I personally debated between a traditional companion, FBSM, and domme experience for a while before I settled on massage (though I absolutely plan to explore these other options eventually)!
Do. Your. Research. Take your time when picking someone, but don’t wait so long that you just become a lurker who never pulls the trigger. It’s anxiety-inducing, but once you do it, you realize it’s really not so hard! The question of “will this be a pleasurable experience” melted away for me from the first touch - I suddenly realized, oh, duh! She’s literally a professional! She actually knows pretty well what she’s doing!
It’s ok to want an experience that just centers your pleasure - and if you tap into your body, you will realize that traditional PIV sex is not the only or even best way to get that truly “you-centered” experience. Reciprocity is great, but sometimes we want to be selfish. I highly recommend more clients explore these massage sessions as a way to feed that need without the pressure to perform.
A lot of clients don’t like the “transactional” feeling of hiring a provider. While I understand that perspective, I would like to encourage you to think of the donation as a token of appreciation and valuation for the experience being provided. It doesn’t preclude intimacy or connection just because money is involved -- we live in a money-centric society. It’s hard to put into words, but reframing it from “transactional” to “creating a safe and sweet container for exploration, which i am donating money toward to be able to aid the provider in creating this container for me” … you may just feel differently during it. Personally, I found it super sexy!
Finally - know that the more that is being asked of you upfront, the higher likelihood you have of finding a safe and pleasurable experience. Screening, deposits, and other asks are created for our safety as well as yours. I find it much safer when I enter a space knowing that everyone that came before me also had to go through these steps -- meaning, there’s a way less likely risk of weirdos coming around, creating drama or problems, or being scammed. Be generous and thoughtful when you inquire, and know that these protocols protect you as much as they protect us.
Curious about the more salacious details of my encounter? Subscribe now to my OnlyFans for the erotica I wrote based on my experience. I accept tips via CashApp if you enjoyed reading - $succubuns.
XO,
Simone