The Practice of Sustained Attention
originally published april 7 2022
In the same way one chooses a book, or a destination, or a new hobby, relationships flourish with sustained attention. The irony is not lost on me that I tend to be reading 4-6 books simultaneously, or flitting between brunches and vacations with various friends, or changing my gym membership every 3 months…yet, I find the most satisfaction when I give deliberate attention to one task at a time, one moment, one relationship.
Through a meditation practice, I have cultivated better attention skills – and have grown to have a deep appreciation for the practice of “turning toward” one object at a time. In Buddhism, one of the concepts often talked about is “turning toward suffering.” Rather than avoiding pain or running from every unpleasant feeling, one can look at it closely and come to peace with it. Or, as Tara Brach so eloquently puts it, we can invite Mara to tea. Turning toward suffering is just one way I have cultivated sustained attention, but this attention is applicable everywhere.
When I am with a friend or a client, I put my phone down. I sink into the experience. I direct all my focus to one activity or person. I do my best to avoid multitasking (though as I write this I am toggling between tabs and text messages; I am not perfect). This practice of choosing very carefully where my attention goes has led me to a deeper curiosity about long-term relationships, both in my personal and professional life. The biggest spark has been an interest in exploring an arrangement.
Ah, the arrangement. A controversial and topsy-turvy subject in this industry. Some people love them, some people hate them. I personally think every situation is highly personal and subjective, and can only be the right fit for people if they’re on the same page about expectations. But my true interest in the arrangement is the idea of applying sustained attention.
I have never had a monthly arrangement, exclusive or otherwise. It just hasn’t come up, and I usually prefer my full independence with scheduling. However, I am incredibly aroused by the idea of spending extended time with someone as a way to further cultivate our intimacy and dynamic. After all, the best physical chemistry is grown through time spent.
I want to turn toward the object of fascination deliberately, with intention. I want to choose to forego distraction and the next shiny thing. I want to be chosen in the same way. I want to slow down, to be leisurely in our closeness. To shake off the constraints of timepieces, deadlines, goodbyes. And though I’ve yet to create a structure for this kind of situation, I am open to both non-exclusive and exclusive arrangements. Because I am a deeply independent person, I think it'd be fun to do an exclusive monthly arrangement for only one month. Maybe two, tops. I want to be a kept woman, for just a moment.
Of course, I wouldn’t require that my benefactor be exclusive to me even if I was bound to exclusivity – though I do think it would be a fun practice to see how far down the rabbit hole we could get together. If I were to enter into a non-exclusive arrangement, the terms would be dependent on how much time we agree to spend together. Regardless of our particular structure, my main goal would be to enhance our physical, emotional, and intellectual connection. To challenge ourselves to a commitment that has an end date, just to see if we can. To introduce rigor of attention in such a fleeting, fast-paced world. To turn toward one another, our sufferings and our joys, and sustain that desire with intentionality and devotion.
Interested in a monthly arrangement? This offer is only on the table for clients I have met at least 3 times for extended dates. Feel free to reach out if this applies to you.
Not ready to take the plunge, but appreciate my writing? Tips and gifts are always welcome.